communication Archives | HeartCore Transformation

I often get asked: “Who wears the pants in your house?” My natural response would be “…well, we both wear pants…” but I know that is not what they really want to know. They want to know who gets to make the rules….. Who is the boss?…. and “Who gets to be the subservient one?… Well!

The reality is that power struggles are a reality in relationships. It is almost inevitable. You are two very unique people, each with their own set of values, personality, and set of character traits. As human beings we want to have the best for ourselves – it is part of being human.

So, a power struggle creeps into your relationship when you try to have a happy and pleasing relationship with a significant other, while also trying to keep your own identity and independence, all at the same time.

When words like “you should” and “you ought to” slip into your communication, one of the partners in the relationship either puts the other in a pit while putting themselves on a pedestal. That is when the “you are less than…” and “I am more than” thinking comes in and that, in itself creates the foundation for a power struggle.

Power struggles lead to arguments about little things. “You should help me with the dishes!” “Did you buy things online again?” “You never…” “You always…” Disaster is lurking! When you are in a relationship, you are part of a team but none of the members of that team wants to be told what to do or wants to be questioned on their motives. That, to them feels like a betrayal!

If your girlfriend (or wife) earns a better salary than you do and you feel threatened by this, or you feel that your boyfriend or husband is always controlling you, these are definite signs of a power struggle. This is a problem because a relationship is supposed to be about a partnership. When one of the members of this team feels threatened, for whatever reason, there is going to be trouble.

How does one avoid power struggles? Or what can be done to address the issue and work on a more harmonious relationship together?. The good news is that there are things you can do. The bad news is that most of these things are easier said than done. But if you cherish your relationship and you really have the desire to make it work, you can! Here is how to start:

Set new goals

Set new goals for yourself and for you as a couple. When you two have nothing new and exciting to work towards, you end up picking on each, thinking that you are “trying to improve things”. This is where the arguments start and things get worse.

Once you set new goals and decide and agree to work towards them together, you will find that those little niggly things are all part and parcel of being in a relationship. You will find that you have more important and more exciting things to focus on. New goals bring back a sparkle in your eye and in your relationship.

Talk often

If your partner does something or says something, or forgets something that bothers you, think before you shout! Shouting matches and tantrums or for toddlers. Stay calm about it and communicate like adults.

Use a code word or phrase if you must. My husband and I have such a code phrase. Whenever one of us needs to communicate something uncomfortable and troublesome, we say: “I want to talk to you about something… It is one of those things….” This sets the scene where we can both take a deep breath, and prepare ourselves to handle whatever is coming as calmly and as maturely as possible. For us, this works like magic!

Decide on roles and rules together

The best way to avoid power struggles in a relationship is to decide and agree on roles and responsibilities. When both partners are clear on what is expected, there is no reason for arguments. Both of you will have tasks to focus on without having to “invade” each other’s territory. In our home, the rule is that he does the cooking and I do the budget. He does the grocery shopping but I determine how much we spend on groceries.

Keeping to these guidelines makes us a phenomenal team. We help each other but we allow ourselves to do what we do best.

Observe other couples

We learned a lot about how to deal with power struggles by watching friends of ours who seem to have everything figured out. We even went as far as to actually ask them how they do it. We were not embarrassed to ask and they were obliging to share their secrets with us. It made for a very wholesome fire-side conversation.

Take some time out

One of the reasons why couples find themselves in a constant power struggle is plainly because we live in such a stressful environment. Life is not always easy! Kids, work, finances, studies, and everything else take a toll on one’s sanity from time to time. It inevitably also influences the quality of your relationship.

Having a break and taking a vacation can help you to re-evaluate the state of your relationship. Agreed upon “downtime us-time” can be more beneficial than couple’s therapy and you don’t have to pay a therapist.

A relationship must be worked on constantly. Yes! We work on accepting and understanding each other, building an intimate bond, perhaps planning a future together but guarding against power struggles, and working relentlessly to minimise the impact thereof on a relationship, is one the most lucrative investments of time and effort that a couple can make.

Jeans, tailored pants, tights, tracksuit pants… Whatever your style, wearing the right pants was never as important as it is in your relationship!

A lot of women I speak to these days have the same burning question. They all want to know: “How do I get them to do what I want?”

If you ever had a partner, you will certainly agree that most of us had developed (and used without much success) a few tricks to “squeeze” the relationship along. We hoped that it would make the relationship go more “our way” and less “no way!”. But alas! It did not work.

We soon found out that coercion will not do the trick. The “If you do not do what I want, then I will not like you anymore” always was, and still is very childish but sometimes we hoped it will work. We hoped our sandbox trick will still be effective.

Manipulation did not work either. They stopped falling for “You actually really do want what I want, so I am going to trick you into it”. They did not fall for our tricks.

We reverted to “If you do this for me, I will do that for you….”. Bartering did not pay off.

We started getting anxious – nothing is working…. We tried to persuade, to reason. “This is why doing this is good for you… and you know I am right about this.” They did not take the bait.

At long last, we decided to negotiate and compromise but we know that this is a no-win situation for both of us.

And I am talking about “we” because we have all done this somewhere in our lives. We all have experienced this relationship conflict.

When there is conflict, one of two things happens: We either become aggressive or we shut down and turn inward. We start to feel resentful toward our partners or we start slam-dunking ourselves. When they do not listen and do not do what we want them to do, we start feeling unworthy. Worse even, we try to convince them that they will get hurt, or be rejected if they dare go after what is important to them. In whichever way we choose to respond, we are avoiding saying how we feel. Instead, we play a “pit and pedestal” game.

Saying what you want is a powerful tool to end a fight. It helps you avoid insensitive and tactless ways of relating to your partner that might put him or her on the defensive. Saying what it is you want is also a way of being vulnerable that allows your partner to know and feel for you.

When you speak about what you want in an honest, direct way, your partner is more likely to be open, responsive, and personal in return.

Here are a few ways to be more honest and direct about what you want:

When you feel an argument is not going anywhere and you may lose connection with your partner, you can simply decide to calm down. Decide not to retaliate. Say something honest and sincere such as “I care more about enjoying your company than winning this argument.” Doing this often disarms and softens the other person, and he or she, too, is more likely to meet you halfway. When the situation is diffused in this way, you can communicate from a more direct, vulnerable stance that isn’t about blame or being right.

Many people find it difficult to say what they want loud enough for others to hear. Some people even have difficulty admitting what they need. So, when you do communicate your needs and wants, it’s important to do it directly but from a place of vulnerability. Don’t use a demanding tone. Don’t play the “deservability” card. When you act like your partner “owes you” something, you start nagging and complaining, both of which only serve to push away and irritate your partner.

Don’t see yourself as a victim in a tense situation and do not revert to using “victim” language. Steer clear from “You ALWAYS…”, You NEVER…”. “I’m not important…” You SHOULD have…” Don’t punish your partner for not knowing instinctively what you want or for failing to read your mind.

Change “YOU-statements” to “I-statements”. This is called “Responsible Language”. Work hard to change

From: “You don’t spend enough time with me'”

To: “I want us to spend more time together.”

From: “You never listen to me.”

To: “I want you to take time to hear what I have to say,”

From: “You are so boring.”

To:” I want us to have more fun together.”

The rule here is to always include them in the “fun” part of what you want to do. Let them understand you want to be with them, do things with them and talk with them. Include them in the positive side of things.

It is valid to give your partner feedback when it is appropriate. But we must decide when a statement is feedback and when a statement is using the third person narrative to create guilt in the partner for something we feel is missing. “YOU…, YOU… YOU…” can easily just feel like a never-ending stream of complaints. This drives a partner away” – it does not bring them closer. It has the opposite effect from what we imagine it would. It always works better when you start the sentence with “I”: “I want to feel appreciated.” “I want us to spend time together”. “ I want you to hold me close”. This helps you understand your feelings better and help your partner to understand you. No more guessing game!

Getting your partner to do what you want them to do is not about manipulation. It is about practicing “Responsible Language”. It is also about understanding what is important to them and relating this in an effective way to what is important to you. It has to do with the hierarchy of their values and how they communicate love.

Be on the lookout for more about Values and Love languages, HERE! SOON!

Tag: communication

Who wears the pants?

How to get them to do what you want…