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Laughter is good for you!

Did you know that laughing can physically make you feel better and help you heal faster?  Laughter relieves stress, improves your oxygen intake, and can strengthen your immune system. And if laughter did not have any of these benefits, it still puts you in a good mood because laughter is the best medicine.

There are some people, however, who find it difficult to laugh. They feel awkward when they laugh, they don’t know how to laugh, and they are scared that people will laugh at them when they laugh!

If, perhaps, you are having a hard time laughing, just start to smile for a while. Even if you fake a smile, you can still trick your body into feeling a little bit better. When you are feeling happier, it is easier to get yourself to laugh a little!  Challenge yourself to smile at the people you pass in the grocery store.  Try and smile at the people in the next car while you wait at the traffic light. And if the smile still eludes you, make a list of the things that you can be grateful for – there must be something on that list that will get you to smile even just a little.!

The way you laugh is unique to you.  It is one of the things that makes you special. Don’t hold back on your giggles because you are self-conscious about how you laugh.  Just make sure you laugh for the right reason! It is a curious thing, but the harder you laugh, the more likely it is that other people will start laughing with you!

If you really struggle with laughing try to laugh as realistically as you can when you are alone at home or driving alone in your car. If you can manage to make yourself laugh – even for no reason at all, you may find yourself giggling all to yourself in no time!

To get yourself to laugh, start with 3 short “ha” sounds – “ha ha ha!”,  Even though this may feel forced and awkward, do this several times in a row.  You will be surprised at how quickly these forced “ha ha ha’s” can change into a legitimate, and very satisfying, case of the giggles.  Think about something you find funny while you practice your laughing.

Why is laughing no laughing matter?  Well, here are some real health benefits of laughter:

  1. It lowers your blood pressure
  2. It reduces your stress levels
  3. It works your stomach muscles
  4. It makes your heart stronger
  5. It triggers the release of endorphins – the feel-good hormones!

Laughing a lot is not a laughing matter, says Lola, the girl who laughs out loud!

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Who wears the pants?

I often get asked: “Who wears the pants in your house?” My natural response would be “…well, we both wear pants…” but I know that is not what they really want to know.  They want to know who gets to make the rules….. Who is the boss?…. and “Who gets to be the subservient one?… Well!

The reality is that power struggles are a reality in relationships. It is almost inevitable.  You are two very unique people, each with their own set of values, personality, and set of character traits. As human beings we want to have the best for ourselves – it is part of being human.

So, a power struggle creeps into your relationship when you try to have a happy and pleasing relationship with a significant other, while also trying to keep your own identity and independence, all at the same time.

When words like “you should” and “you ought to” slip into your communication, one of the partners in the relationship either puts the other in a pit while putting themselves on a pedestal.  That is when the “you are less than…” and “I am more than” thinking comes in and that, in itself creates the foundation for a power struggle.

Power struggles lead to arguments about little things.  “You should help me with the dishes!” “Did you buy things online again?” “You never…” “You always…” Disaster is lurking!  When you are in a relationship, you are part of a team but none of the members of that team wants to be told what to do or wants to be questioned on their motives.  That, to them feels like a betrayal!

If your girlfriend (or wife) earns a better salary than you do and you feel threatened by this, or you feel that your boyfriend or husband is always controlling you, these are definite signs of a power struggle. This is a problem because a relationship is supposed to be about a partnership. When one of the members of this team feels threatened, for whatever reason, there is going to be trouble.

How does one avoid power struggles?  Or what can be done to address the issue and work on a more harmonious relationship together?.  The good news is that there are things you can do.  The bad news is that most of these things are easier said than done.  But if you cherish your relationship and you really have the desire to make it work, you can!  Here is how to start:

Set new goals

Set new goals for yourself and for you as a couple. When you two have nothing new and exciting to work towards, you end up picking on each, thinking that you are “trying to improve things”.  This is where the arguments start and things get worse.  

Once you set new goals and decide and agree to work towards them together, you will find that those little niggly things are all part and parcel of being in a relationship. You will find that you have more important and more exciting things to focus on. New goals bring back a sparkle in your eye and in your relationship.

Talk often

If your partner does something or says something, or forgets something that bothers you, think before you shout!  Shouting matches and tantrums or for toddlers.  Stay calm about it and communicate like adults.

Use a code word or phrase if you must.  My husband and I have such a code phrase.  Whenever one of us needs to communicate something uncomfortable and troublesome, we say: “I want to talk to you about something… It is one of those things….” This sets the scene where we can both take a deep breath, and prepare ourselves to handle whatever is coming as calmly and as maturely as possible.  For us, this works like magic!

Decide on roles and rules together

The best way to avoid power struggles in a relationship is to decide and agree on roles and responsibilities. When both partners are clear on what is expected, there is no reason for arguments.  Both of you will have tasks to focus on without having to “invade” each other’s territory. In our home, the rule is that he does the cooking and I do the budget. He does the grocery shopping but I determine how much we spend on groceries.

Keeping to these guidelines makes us a phenomenal team. We help each other but we allow ourselves to do what we do best.

Observe other couples

We learned a lot about how to deal with power struggles by watching friends of ours who seem to have everything figured out.  We even went as far as to actually ask them how they do it.  We were not embarrassed to ask and they were obliging to share their secrets with us.  It made for a very wholesome fire-side conversation.

Take some time out

One of the reasons why couples find themselves in a constant power struggle is plainly because we live in such a stressful environment. Life is not always easy! Kids, work, finances, studies, and everything else take a toll on one’s sanity from time to time. It inevitably also influences the quality of your relationship.

Having a break and taking a vacation can help you to re-evaluate the state of your relationship. Agreed upon “downtime us-time” can be more beneficial than couple’s therapy and you don’t have to pay a therapist. 

A relationship must be worked on constantly.  Yes!  We work on accepting and understanding each other, building an intimate bond, perhaps planning a future together but guarding against power struggles, and working relentlessly to minimise the impact thereof on a relationship, is one the most lucrative investments of time and effort that a couple can make.

Jeans, tailored pants, tights, tracksuit pants… Whatever your style, wearing the right pants was never as important as it is in your relationship!  

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Seven facts about fear

It is ok to be scared. None of us are fearless and brave all the time. All that is important is that you know what fear looks like and how to deal with it when it comes.

I read an interesting article recently.  It is titled “Seven things you need to know about fear.  It was an article published in psychology today.  I think the information shared in this article is worth sharing with you exactly as it is. According to this article, there are a few things we should know about fear:

1. Fear is a normal product of brain function.

Fear is hardwired in your brain, and for good reason: Neuroscientists have identified distinct networks that run from the depths of the limbic system all the way to the prefrontal cortex and back. When these networks are electrically or chemically stimulated, they produce fear, even in the absence of a fearful stimulus. Feeling fear is neither abnormal nor a sign of weakness: The capacity to be afraid is part of normal brain function. A lack of fear may be a sign of serious brain damage.

2. Fear comes in many shades and forms.

Fear is an inherently unpleasant experience that can range from mild to paralyzing—from anticipating the results of a medical check-up to hearing news of a deadly terrorist attack. Horrifying events can leave a permanent mark on your brain circuitry, which may require professional help. However, chronic stress, the low-intensity variety of fear expressed as free-floating anxiety, constant worry, and daily insecurity, can quietly but seriously harm your physical and mental health over time.

3. Fear is not as automatic as you think.

Fear is part instinct, partly learned, partly taught. Some fears are instinctive: Pain, for example, causes fear because of its implications for survival. Other fears are learned: We learn to be afraid of certain people, places, or situations because of negative associations and past experiences. A near-drowning incident, for example, may cause fear each time you get close to a body of water. Other fears are taught: Cultural norms often dictate whether something should be feared or not. Think, for example, about how certain social groups are feared and persecuted because of a societally-created impression that they are dangerous.

4. You don’t need to be in danger to be scared.

Fear can also be imagined, and so it can arise in the absence of something scary. Because our brains are so efficient, we begin to fear a range of stimuli that are not scary (conditioned fear) or not even present (anticipatory anxiety). We get scared because of what we imagine could happen. Some neuroscientists claim that humans are the most fearful creatures on the planet because of our ability to learn, think, and create fear in our minds. But this low-grade, objectless fear can turn into chronic anxiety about nothing specific and become debilitating.

5. The more scared you feel, the scarier things will seem.

Through a process called potentiation, your fear response is amplified if you are already in a state of fear. When you are primed for fear, even harmless events seem scary. If you are watching a documentary about venomous spiders, a tickle on your neck caused by, say, a loose thread in your sweater will startle you and make you jump out of your seat in terror. If you are afraid of flying, even the slightest turbulence will push your blood pressure through the roof of the plane. And the more worried you are about your job security, the more you will sweat it when your boss calls you in for even an uneventful meeting.

6. Fear dictates the actions you take.

Actions motivated by fear fall into four types—freeze, fight, flight, or fright. Freeze means you stop what you are doing and focus on the fearful stimulus to decide what to do next (e.g., you read a memo that your company will be laying off people). Next, you choose either fight or flight. You decide whether to deal with the threat directly (tell your boss why you shouldn’t be laid off) or work around it (start looking for another job). When the fear is overwhelming, you experience fright: You neither fight nor flee; in fact, you do nothing—well, you obsess about the layoffs, ruminate, and complain, but you take no action. Being continuously in fright mode can lead to hopelessness and depression.

7. The more real the threat, the more heroic your actions are.

We react differently to real and imagined threats. Imagined threats cause paralysis. Being scared about all the bad things that may or may not happen in the future makes you worry a lot but take little action. You are stuck in a state of fear, overwhelmed but not knowing what to do. Real threats, on the other hand, cause a frenzy. When the threat is imminent and identifiable, you jump to action immediately and without flinching. This is why people are much more likely to change their eating habits after a serious health scare (e.g., a heart attack) than after just reading statistics about the hazardous effect of a diet based on fried foods.

We all have fear, imagined or real, and sometimes both.  Our best course of action in a time of fearfulness and scare is to stay “in the moment”.  Say present and analyze, stay hopeful, and believe that fear is something you can conquer.

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Sneer at fear!

Whenever I see or hear the word “fear”, Marian Williamson comes to mind: “…Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful…beyond measure! “She continues to say “Your playing small does not serve the world…”

Boy!  How fearful have we become? We find every reason to be scared and fearful. We fear the downturn in the economy, we fear the results of the pandemic on life as we know it… we fear life, because it is not what it used to be…we fear that we will not have enough stamina to wither the storm… Fear is paralysing the very essence of our beings.

And because we are fearful, we play small.

We take no risks, set no goals, dream about nothing, make no plans and we slowly shrink ourselves to a grain of sand in a mighty universe.

What we do not realise is that fear is an illusion.  Yes! we all know the acronym “False Evidence Appearing Real”. The false evidence, the things that we create in our minds to be unconquerable obstacles are not real at all, and if we would just apply ourselves, we would soon realise that we are powerful beyond measure, that we can achieve great things, and that we do matter in the bigger scheme of things.

The fears that stop us from playing big in the world are created in our heads. They don’t really exist!  We are literally imprisoned by imaginary walls that we created out of nothing! .

This makes me think about scenes that play themselves out in our country’s national parks. African antelope species such as impala, kudu, and blesbuck, are caught by men holding up large sheets of cloth. The animals see those sheets as impenetrable walls, and so they feel they have nowhere to run except into the waiting cages. If those animals knew about the nature of the cotton walls, their actions and their outcomes would be entirely different! But they don’t know – and their fear prevents them from finding out. (Courtesy of: https://www.uklifecoaching.org/conqueringfear.htm?nav=b)

Our fears are flimsy walls and we can easily conquer them.  Here is how:

Pretend that the fear does not exist

Fear comes in many forms. It can come from stinking thinking” (i.e. “I can’t do this,” “I am not good at this”. etc.). It comes from negative, drama-inducing, sensationalist media coverage. Did you notice that the media is mostly about doom and gloom? Eliminate (or at least drastically reduce) your exposure to fear-inducing entities (i.e. social media, newspapers, failure-conscious people, etc.).

Don’t give fear have time to think:

Your thoughts are powerful. Did you know that a single thought can be responsible for life or death in this world? My mentor always taught me this:  “What you think about, you bring about”. So if you are going to think, rather think about what it is that you want to attract into your life. Visualise them, shape and polish them until they are crystal clear in your mind. Crystal clear visions blinds fear!

Just concentrating on doing these two simple things, will greatly eliminate the hold that fear has on your life. But to make the decision to do this takes courage.  One has to have courage in the face of fear. When you are brave enough to make the decision to be courageous…. A superb piece of poetry from Guillaume Apollinaire comes to mind…

Come to the edge, he said.
They said: “We are afraid”.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them… and they flew.


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How to get them to do what you want…

A lot of women I speak to these days have the same burning question.  They all want to know: “How do I get them to do what I want?”

If you ever had a partner, you will certainly agree that most of us had developed (and used without much success) a few tricks to “squeeze” the relationship along. We hoped that it would make the relationship go more “our way” and less “no way!”. But alas!  It did not work.  

We soon found out that coercion will not do the trick.  The “If you do not do what I want, then I will not like you anymore” always was, and still is very childish but sometimes we hoped it will work. We hoped our sandbox trick will still be effective.

Manipulation did not work either.  They stopped falling for “You actually really do want what I want, so I am going to trick you into it”.  They did not fall for our tricks.

We reverted to “If you do this for me, I will do that for you….”. Bartering did not pay off.

We started getting anxious – nothing is working…. We tried to persuade, to reason.  “This is why doing this is good for you… and you know I am right about this.” They did not take the bait.

At long last, we decided to negotiate and compromise but we know that this is a no-win situation for both of us.

And I am talking about “we” because we have all done this somewhere in our lives.  We all have experienced this relationship conflict.

When there is conflict, one of two things happens:  We either become aggressive or we shut down and turn inward. We start to feel resentful toward our partners or we start slam-dunking ourselves. When they do not listen and do not do what we want them to do, we start feeling unworthy.  Worse even, we try to convince them that they will get hurt, or be rejected if they dare go after what is important to them.  In whichever way we choose to respond, we are avoiding saying how we feel. Instead, we play a “pit and pedestal” game.

Saying what you want is a powerful tool to end a fight. It helps you avoid insensitive and tactless ways of relating to your partner that might put him or her on the defensive. Saying what it is you want is also a way of being vulnerable that allows your partner to know and feel for you.

When you speak about what you want in an honest, direct way, your partner is more likely to be open, responsive, and personal in return.

Here are a few ways to be more honest and direct about what you want:

When you feel an argument is not going anywhere and you may lose connection with your partner, you can simply decide to calm down. Decide not to retaliate. Say something honest and sincere such as “I care more about enjoying your company than winning this argument.”  Doing this often disarms and softens the other person, and he or she, too, is more likely to meet you halfway. When the situation is diffused in this way, you can communicate from a more direct, vulnerable stance that isn’t about blame or being right.

Many people find it difficult to say what they want loud enough for others to hear.   Some people even have difficulty admitting what they need.  So, when you do communicate your needs and wants, it’s important to do it directly but from a place of vulnerability. Don’t use a demanding tone. Don’t play the “deservability” card.  When you act like your partner “owes you” something, you start nagging and complaining, both of which only serve to push away and irritate your partner.

Don’t see yourself as a victim in a tense situation and do not revert to using “victim” language. Steer clear from “You ALWAYS…”, You NEVER…”. “I’m not important…” You SHOULD have…”   Don’t punish your partner for not knowing instinctively what you want or for failing to read your mind.

Change “YOU-statements” to “I-statements”. This is called “Responsible Language”.  Work hard to change

From: “You don’t spend enough time with me'”

To: “I want us to spend more time together.”

From: “You never listen to me.”

To: “I want you to take time to hear what I have to say,”

From: “You are so boring.”

To:” I want us to have more fun together.”

The rule here is to always include them in the “fun” part of what you want to do. Let them understand you want to be with them, do things with them and talk with them. Include them in the positive side of things.

It is valid to give your partner feedback when it is appropriate.  But we must decide when a statement is feedback and when a statement is using the third person narrative to create guilt in the partner for something we feel is missing.  “YOU…, YOU… YOU…”  can easily just feel like a never-ending stream of complaints. This drives a partner away” – it does not bring them closer.  It has the opposite effect from what we imagine it would. It always works better when you start the sentence with “I”:  “I want to feel appreciated.” “I want us to spend time together”. “ I want you to hold me close”. This helps you understand your feelings better and help your partner to understand you.  No more guessing game!

Getting your partner to do what you want them to do is not about manipulation. It is about practicing “Responsible Language”. It is also about understanding what is important to them and relating this in an effective way to what is important to you. It has to do with the hierarchy of their values and how they communicate love.

Be on the lookout for more about Values and Love languages, HERE!  SOON!

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Find joy in the little things

Be happy for the little things in life that require less to no reason at all. Smile because the weather is cheerfully warm. Smile because you had a pleasingly healthy breakfast. Smile because you’re listening to some of your favourite new songs on repeat. Smile because you are watering the pretty flowers just to keep them wonderful. Smile because happiness is simply the thing that inevitably happens when you practice being grateful. -Juansen Dizon

Image borrowed.

I love this quote by Juansen Dizon!  When life is hectic, we must remember the little things that make us happy.  It does not have to be big a-ha moments, no earth-shattering realisations… No!  Teeny-tiny little things that take almost no effort and cost almost nothing….

I love the smell of fresh bed linen when I slip under the covers at night. I love a good, hearty breakfast. Here are a few more ideas of little things that can, and will, make you happy. Do not underestimate the power of little things, such as:

  1. Looking up at the stars at night.  I love to see the milky way stretching across the sky!
  2. Having a steaming cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun with butter when it rains…
  3. Sitting in the window seat when traveling by plane…
  4. Spending time in nature.
  5. Realising that you are having a “good hair day”!
  6. Listening to the birds in the trees.
  7. Finding the last slice of pizza is still there when you get to the box in the morning.
  8. Having a heart-to-heart with a trusted friend.
  9. Finding that the bill is less than I expected.
  10. Feeling the warmth of my fur child in my bed at night.
  11. Seeing a rainbow.
  12. Hearing a dear friend’s voice on the phone.

There are so many little things that can make one happy.  Take some time and share your “little things” with us in the comments below.

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Do the little things

There is an ancient phrase that says: “If you really want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans”.  Nothing happens when we want it to happen.  It happens when we are ready and when the time is right.  Og Mandino says in one of his now famous scrolls in his book “The greatest salesman in the world”: “Never will you know how close success lies, unless you turn the corner.” 

I turn that corner by being grateful for every day as it arrives.  And as I wait for the right time for all the puzzle pieces to fit perfectly in the picture of my life, I carry on doing the little things that make a big difference!  It is the little things that we do or not do every day that determines where we will end up one day.

Let me share with you some of the little things I do to keep my inspiration on top form:

I examine what I believe about things. I do not just believe everything I hear and see. I ask lots of questions! When I find myself at a place where things did not quite work out the way I wanted it to, I take time to find out if I must change something I believe.  Limiting beliefs are my worst enemy and I know that I can change then in the blink of an eye.  All it takes is to make a new, empowering decision and a new reality can be mine in an instant.   

I give my mind the right nutrition. I am careful of the media.  I found that it is not my friend and never will be.  I do not watch movies that drag me down. No “Doomsday” movies for me!  I watch movies that makes me feel good. I listen to music that fills me with positive emotions. I read books that empower me, that I can learn from. Just so that you know – “Mills and Boons” and the “Sun” newspaper do not fall in this category. 

I steer clear of television, news and newspapers – the fear-mongers!  I believe that if there is something important, I need to know, I will be hearing about it through the right channels. 

I invest in a worthwhile hobby. There are so many stimulating, worthwhile activities out there to get involved with.  Enrol for a course in Philosophy, write a book, take dancing lessons!  The bottom line is… When we control the input to our brain, we control our output.

I focus on what I want in my life. I do not dwell on what I don’t want.  I try to remember the logics of the law of attraction.  I watch my language.  I learned early on that my words are mightier than swords. 

I constantly work on replacing phrases such as “I am dying for a cup of tea” with “I would really love to have a cup of tea”.  Replace “I would make a success of this venture, even if it kills me” with “I am so happy and grateful now that I know I have everything inside of me to make a success of this venture”.  We have the power to create the life of our dreams even if the world around us seems messed up. Don’t lose focus… watch your language and develop the habit of daily positive affirmations. 

I make a gratitude list.  At the end of each day, I write down at least ten things that I am grateful for or that made me happy on that particular day.

A wise man once told me: “When one is grateful for the things you have, you will have more things to be grateful for.

I find ways to get involved. Get involved with your community.  Jim Rohn says: “Service to many leads to greatness”.  As you help other people, you help yourself.  I practice forgiveness, compassion and understanding.  These are feel-good emotions.  Feel-good are good vibrations that build and sustains high levels of inspiration. 

The magic of inspiration is there for you and me to use and it does not need rocket science to accomplish.  Just a few small things, done consistently, will open the door to much more than just the inspiration you seek.  It will change your life!

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Inspired Inspiration

“Inspiration” has to do with those light bulb moments when I have a bright idea.  It has to do with those moments when I think of or do something unique and extraordinary.  Inspiration is a deep-down personal calling to do something huge and epic.  But I can only be inspired when I am breathing. 

Yes!  Breathing!  When you breathe, you can make things happen! A wise man once said that there are three types of people in this world:  The ones who make things happen, the ones who watch what happens and the ones who get to the station after the train has left… they wonder  “What the heck just happened and why?”.   Inspired people do not spend time wondering.  They make things happen. 

Inspiration is about genius.  We all have our own special brand of genius.  It is also about vision and I believe that most people have it.  Vision is closely related to having influence.  One’s influence depends on who you are and what your circumstances are.  Vision, genius and influence help us each to develop our own unique brand of inspiration.  We can all “make things happen”.  The Archaic meaning of inspire is “to breathe life into” something. 

People often ask:  “How do I keep myself inspired to keep on working towards my goals and make my dreams a reality?  When my inspiration loses steam, I remember some age-old wisdom.

I do not let my dreams be “crowd-funded”. 

My dreams and goals are specific to me, not a generic cut-and paste version of what everybody else wants. 

I don’t worry about what other people think. 

There are many well-meaning people in my life that have ideas about what I should and should not be doing with my life.  I must decide whether I should do what they want me to do, or do what I want to do.  I found that when I live my life according to someone else’s rules, I am almost always miserable and uninspired. 

I protect my excitement inspiration by not letting the dream stealers rain on my parade. I respect those that have different ideas to what I have but I talk about my dreams and goals with passion and conviction.  I remember the words of a wise man who once said:  “One man with conviction is a majority!”

I don’t worry about how things will turn out. 

Worry is a useless activity.  I remind myself often that “things” do not lead me to inspiration.  A new car will not make me more inspired.  A new glamorous job or a gorgeous partner will not inspire me! To be truly inspired, I must simply recognise every precious moment of life and make the best that I can of it.  Every moment is an inspiration, no matter what it looks like. 

Everything I need to know is already mine!

I have everything I need to know, for every moment in time, already filed in the cabinet in my head.  I can be “left to my own devices” and my own devices are sufficient for what I want to accomplish in my life.  This may sound strange to you.  The fact is that I came into this life with nothing, I go out of this life with nothing and I do not need anything to live my purpose on planet earth.  All that I will ever need to live an inspired life is in the space between my ears, which is connected directly with my heart.  The challenge is to believe it is there.

This idea is beautifully illustrated in the ancient story of David and Goliath.  David was inspired to slay the giant because he wanted to be somebody.  But he did not go onto the battlefield with a sword, a spear and a shield.  He went with a slingshot and a few pebbles and he still completed the task successfully and became somebody.  Our belief is more important than our pebbles and slingshots.

These four little reminders inspired me to make my own beautiful noise. Inspiration is a one-man band.  You have to make all the music yourself.  As soon as I realised that I have my own unique rhythm, and that I can make what ever noise I want to make, my life started having a sparkle it never had before.  Remember that your dreams and aspirations are your own, don’t worry about what others think, don’t worry about the outcome. Trust that you already have everything you need. Your life would be a symphony … if you choose it to be.

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You are strong enough to persevere

You are strong enough!

One of my favourite authors of all times, Jim Rohn, wrote a very special book called ”The greatest Salesman in the world”.  What makes this book special is that there are universal lessons and reminders built into an ancient story. In this book, the main character received a gift of ten scrolls containing life lessons.  On one of the scrolls is written: “I will persist until I succeed”. In other words, I will hang on and persevere until I am successful. When the going gets tough, one of the scrolls reminds the recipient of the scrolls that ”This too shall pass”. No matter how tough it gets, no matter how dark the night, the sun will always rise again, if you can just hang on a little bit longer, take one more step, keep on moving because “Never will you know how close success lies, unless you turn the corner”.

Perseverance means to persist, to keep on keeping on, and sticking to your plan, no matter what happens.  And keeping on going is tough sometimes.  I get it!  It is hard work to keep on digging and digging in a back-breaking fashion, hoping to strike it lucky and maybe find some diamonds.  But digging and digging with no result can bring one to a place where you just want to give up!  We all feel like that sometimes.! But you know the story of the person who gave up and stopped digging half a meter from where the diamonds were.  He came so close, yet it was so far, he walked away with nothing. What if he just persevered for a little while longer, took one more step, yielded his spade one more time..?

Here is what you can do in those “Oh!  What is the use?” –times. Here is what you can remind yourself in those “I just cannot go on any more” –times:

1.         You overcame tough times before. You can do it again.

The current rough patch might not feel like anything you have worked through before. But you have successfully overcome the last difficult situation. And if you think back to that time, you will remember that perhaps you were worried that you might not have what it takes to overcome the obstacle… and then you did!  So this time around, remember that you proved yourself wrong the previous time, you will probably prove yourself wrong again, because you are much stronger than you think.

2.         It won’t feel this bad forever

 “This too shall pass” says Jim Rohn.  We are not very good at predicting our feelings and actions (or the future, for that matter) when we are in the thick of a difficult situation. In fact, in the midst of a crisis, we think that we will always feel the way we do now,… awful!  But this is not true!  Yes!  It might be awful now but it will never be awful for as long as, and as much as we think it will.  So no matter how bad you feel right now, know that you will not feel this way forever.  

3.         You are not your problems

Don’t let your circumstances determine who or what you are.  You are not your problems.  You are not your enemies, your job status, or bank account or the really messy divorce or anything else that has ever happened to you. Who you are is far beyond any external situations and circumstances or experiences.

To get out of the funk:

  1. Accept that things will change – keep looking on the bright side, remain hopeful.
  2. Ask for help if you need to.  Do not keep struggling on your own.  Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.
  3. Stay positive and laugh as often as you can, even if you have to laugh at yourself, sometimes!
  4. Focus on things that make you happy. Read a book, go for a walk, run yourself a nice bubble bath.
  5. Above all, do not fall in the trap of letting your past define your future.  Keep moving forward.

This too shall pass… never do you know how close success lies, until you turn the corner.  A bright new day awaits on the other side of darkness.

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Self-Confidence Supercharger

I don’t know about you, but sometimes my self-confidence is not what it could be.  Sometimes I am just not my vibrant, shiny, nothing-can-stop-me-self.  Here are some of the things I do when I have to polish my self-confidence.  It is easy to do and works wonders with a wilting confidence.  The more I do these things, the more my confidence lifts up it’s face to the sun again. You can do the same: 

Take some time out to groom yourself. It is amazing what a difference a nice shower and a shave, or a nice haircut and some make-up can make in your self-confidence. Paint your nails and dab on some perfume, even if you just do it for yourself.

Put something on that you feel good in. If you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn’t necessarily mean wearing an expensive outfit.  Casual clothes that are presentable with perhaps an eye-catching pair of earrings can also work. .

“Photoshop” your self-image. We all have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture can be changed and edited to produce a better version of ourselves to ourself. Use your mental “Photoshopping” skills, and decide what you want to present to the world, what you want yourself to look like, sound like and be like.  Change happens in our minds first.

Keep your thoughts positive. Yes!  We hear this all the time! Become aware of how you talk to yourself and what you say to yourself.  Are you being “nice” to yourself or are you slamdunking yourself all the time?  It takes practice to identify and erase negative thoughts from your mind. It takes practise to replace those negative thoughts with “better-thinking thoughts.   I always have a bit of fun with negative thoughts and you can do the same. Imagine that a negative thought is a bug.  Be on the lookout for these bugs. When you see one, stomp on it! I find that sometimes actually physically stomping my foot when I have a negative thought helps me to create positive reminders to keep my thoughts positive. 

Speak slowly. The way you speak makes a big difference in how others perceive you. A person with authority speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that she isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because she doesn’t want to waste other people’s time. You are worth listening to.  Make your words count.

Always be kind and generous. Being kind to others, and generous with yourself, your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-confidence. The old adage of “do onto others as you would like to be done to you” helps a lot to let you feel good about yourself.

There is so much that one can do to feel more confident out in the world.  Try these simple tips and see how it works out for you.  Be on the look out for more self-confidence tips.  They will be coming your way soon!

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