Relationship stress after Covid

We all endured and came out of a very stressful time during the Covid19 Pandemic. For romantic couples, this stress took on very specific parameters. For some couples, the pandemic provided an opportunity to spend more time together and they loved it! Other romantic relationships suffered because one or both partners had to spend a lot of time away from each other as they worked in essential services or had to be separated for the fear of a loved one being infected with the virus. As couples, we had to live through relentless routines of living in a virtual reality with little or no actual social contact. It was not fun!

But for some couples, there was no separation whatsoever. They found themselves in each other’s company all the time. Too much togetherness had them in each other’s hair and at each other’s throats all the time. This brought stress of its own.

Now that life has normalised, to something that remotely resembles life as we knew it, the stress and the trauma of living through the thick of the pandemic are still with us. Slowly but surely we are now starting to see the real damage that the pandemic has done, as we clear away the debris and are faced with a reality that we do not like very much. Our lives and our relationship might never be the same!

So what can we do to try to safeguard ourselves, our partners, and our relationships while we learn to navigate “the new normal”?.

Polish your social skills

If you spend most of your time alone in the last two years, and you dated online and long distance, you might feel that you need to get out there in the world again. But you might feel that you feel awkward in social circles and you may feel that your social skills are a bit rusted. Getting out and starting to interact again will need you to be patient and allow time for transition. Remember to be patient.

Great books to read about this topic is “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie, and “Skill with people” by Les Giblin.

Give yourself time

If you are an introvert like me, you might not really want things to go back to the way it was before lock-down. We kind of like working from home, not dealing with office politics and crowds. We like not having overly full schedules with family and friends. They might need time to adjust and you have to be patient. Extroverts might be very eager to get out in the world and make a dent in the universe. If one of you is introverted and one of you is extroverted, you might be wise to decide to allow each other some time to adjust.

What can we do to assist in the process of healing?

Although lock-down has occurred almost two years ago, we must remain cognisant that our partners might still be adjusting and healing from what they have experienced.

They might still be bone-tired. They might need to take a vacation or duvet-days more often.
They might struggle to come to terms with what they have seen and experienced. They might feel fragile and depressed. They might need to find ways to deal with deep-seated grief. This is where we as partners must practice unconditional love. Love is the only solution to all of this. This is a time when we have to put ourselves aside and be there for them.
If your significant other is a professional person who got to work from home, they will have to make specific adjustments. They might feel drained and exhausted from all the Zoom meeting they had to attend. Working from home also meant that the office was never out of reach so “work never stopped”.
One of the big challenges many of us faced, is the fact that some households were unforeseenly extended. But these larger-than-normal households might have increased the noise levels, created more interruptions, and diminished a sense of orderliness. We and/or our partners did not have as much privacy and space as we were used to

As much as we personally suffer we must remember that our significant others have suffered in the same way but in a different way. It is our responsibility to work towards healing the damage caused by the Covid Pandemic. We are the ones who must start this process. We cannot wait for someone else to take the lead. But we need to do it from a point of love. We will have to be patient, compassionate, supportive, and understanding. This is going to take a while to sort itself out, the same way it is going to take you a while to sort things out. I find that the best way to help our significant others heal and thrive in the months and years to come, is to be the support we want to get for ourselves.

There is a law in the universe that says that you will reap what you sow. If you sow love, patience, compassion and support, you will get that for yourself too. And in this way, we will all slowly move to a place where life becomes bearable again.

In the mean time:

Acknowledge what happened and keep on looking for the blessings in those situations that you feel were only a curse
Remain aware of what you think and feel. Remember, what you think about, you bring about.
Remember that we all are in the same boat. None of us had recovered from a global pandemic before. Compassion creates emotional connection and that will be helpful to work towards a better future.

July 21, 2022July 21, 2022

Who wears the pants?

I often get asked: “Who wears the pants in your house?” My natural response would be “…well, we both wear pants…” but I know that is not what they really want to know. They want to know who gets to make the rules….. Who is the boss?…. and “Who gets to be the subservient one?… Well!

The reality is that power struggles are a reality in relationships. It is almost inevitable. You are two very unique people, each with their own set of values, personality, and set of character traits. As human beings we want to have the best for ourselves – it is part of being human.

So, a power struggle creeps into your relationship when you try to have a happy and pleasing relationship with a significant other, while also trying to keep your own identity and independence, all at the same time.

When words like “you should” and “you ought to” slip into your communication, one of the partners in the relationship either puts the other in a pit while putting themselves on a pedestal. That is when the “you are less than…” and “I am more than” thinking comes in and that, in itself creates the foundation for a power struggle.

Power struggles lead to arguments about little things. “You should help me with the dishes!” “Did you buy things online again?” “You never…” “You always…” Disaster is lurking! When you are in a relationship, you are part of a team but none of the members of that team wants to be told what to do or wants to be questioned on their motives. That, to them feels like a betrayal!

If your girlfriend (or wife) earns a better salary than you do and you feel threatened by this, or you feel that your boyfriend or husband is always controlling you, these are definite signs of a power struggle. This is a problem because a relationship is supposed to be about a partnership. When one of the members of this team feels threatened, for whatever reason, there is going to be trouble.

How does one avoid power struggles? Or what can be done to address the issue and work on a more harmonious relationship together?. The good news is that there are things you can do. The bad news is that most of these things are easier said than done. But if you cherish your relationship and you really have the desire to make it work, you can! Here is how to start:

Set new goals

Set new goals for yourself and for you as a couple. When you two have nothing new and exciting to work towards, you end up picking on each, thinking that you are “trying to improve things”. This is where the arguments start and things get worse.

Once you set new goals and decide and agree to work towards them together, you will find that those little niggly things are all part and parcel of being in a relationship. You will find that you have more important and more exciting things to focus on. New goals bring back a sparkle in your eye and in your relationship.

Talk often

If your partner does something or says something, or forgets something that bothers you, think before you shout! Shouting matches and tantrums or for toddlers. Stay calm about it and communicate like adults.

Use a code word or phrase if you must. My husband and I have such a code phrase. Whenever one of us needs to communicate something uncomfortable and troublesome, we say: “I want to talk to you about something… It is one of those things….” This sets the scene where we can both take a deep breath, and prepare ourselves to handle whatever is coming as calmly and as maturely as possible. For us, this works like magic!

Decide on roles and rules together

The best way to avoid power struggles in a relationship is to decide and agree on roles and responsibilities. When both partners are clear on what is expected, there is no reason for arguments. Both of you will have tasks to focus on without having to “invade” each other’s territory. In our home, the rule is that he does the cooking and I do the budget. He does the grocery shopping but I determine how much we spend on groceries.

Keeping to these guidelines makes us a phenomenal team. We help each other but we allow ourselves to do what we do best.

Observe other couples

We learned a lot about how to deal with power struggles by watching friends of ours who seem to have everything figured out. We even went as far as to actually ask them how they do it. We were not embarrassed to ask and they were obliging to share their secrets with us. It made for a very wholesome fire-side conversation.

Take some time out

One of the reasons why couples find themselves in a constant power struggle is plainly because we live in such a stressful environment. Life is not always easy! Kids, work, finances, studies, and everything else take a toll on one’s sanity from time to time. It inevitably also influences the quality of your relationship.

Having a break and taking a vacation can help you to re-evaluate the state of your relationship. Agreed upon “downtime us-time” can be more beneficial than couple’s therapy and you don’t have to pay a therapist.

A relationship must be worked on constantly. Yes! We work on accepting and understanding each other, building an intimate bond, perhaps planning a future together but guarding against power struggles, and working relentlessly to minimise the impact thereof on a relationship, is one the most lucrative investments of time and effort that a couple can make.

Jeans, tailored pants, tights, tracksuit pants… Whatever your style, wearing the right pants was never as important as it is in your relationship!

June 22, 2022June 22, 2022

How to get them to do what you want…

A lot of women I speak to these days have the same burning question. They all want to know: “How do I get them to do what I want?”

If you ever had a partner, you will certainly agree that most of us had developed (and used without much success) a few tricks to “squeeze” the relationship along. We hoped that it would make the relationship go more “our way” and less “no way!”. But alas! It did not work.

We soon found out that coercion will not do the trick. The “If you do not do what I want, then I will not like you anymore” always was, and still is very childish but sometimes we hoped it will work. We hoped our sandbox trick will still be effective.

Manipulation did not work either. They stopped falling for “You actually really do want what I want, so I am going to trick you into it”. They did not fall for our tricks.

We reverted to “If you do this for me, I will do that for you….”. Bartering did not pay off.

We started getting anxious – nothing is working…. We tried to persuade, to reason. “This is why doing this is good for you… and you know I am right about this.” They did not take the bait.

At long last, we decided to negotiate and compromise but we know that this is a no-win situation for both of us.

And I am talking about “we” because we have all done this somewhere in our lives. We all have experienced this relationship conflict.

When there is conflict, one of two things happens: We either become aggressive or we shut down and turn inward. We start to feel resentful toward our partners or we start slam-dunking ourselves. When they do not listen and do not do what we want them to do, we start feeling unworthy. Worse even, we try to convince them that they will get hurt, or be rejected if they dare go after what is important to them. In whichever way we choose to respond, we are avoiding saying how we feel. Instead, we play a “pit and pedestal” game.

Saying what you want is a powerful tool to end a fight. It helps you avoid insensitive and tactless ways of relating to your partner that might put him or her on the defensive. Saying what it is you want is also a way of being vulnerable that allows your partner to know and feel for you.

When you speak about what you want in an honest, direct way, your partner is more likely to be open, responsive, and personal in return.

Here are a few ways to be more honest and direct about what you want:

When you feel an argument is not going anywhere and you may lose connection with your partner, you can simply decide to calm down. Decide not to retaliate. Say something honest and sincere such as “I care more about enjoying your company than winning this argument.” Doing this often disarms and softens the other person, and he or she, too, is more likely to meet you halfway. When the situation is diffused in this way, you can communicate from a more direct, vulnerable stance that isn’t about blame or being right.

Many people find it difficult to say what they want loud enough for others to hear. Some people even have difficulty admitting what they need. So, when you do communicate your needs and wants, it’s important to do it directly but from a place of vulnerability. Don’t use a demanding tone. Don’t play the “deservability” card. When you act like your partner “owes you” something, you start nagging and complaining, both of which only serve to push away and irritate your partner.

Don’t see yourself as a victim in a tense situation and do not revert to using “victim” language. Steer clear from “You ALWAYS…”, You NEVER…”. “I’m not important…” You SHOULD have…” Don’t punish your partner for not knowing instinctively what you want or for failing to read your mind.

Change “YOU-statements” to “I-statements”. This is called “Responsible Language”. Work hard to change

From: “You don’t spend enough time with me'”

To: “I want us to spend more time together.”

From: “You never listen to me.”

To: “I want you to take time to hear what I have to say,”

From: “You are so boring.”

To:” I want us to have more fun together.”

The rule here is to always include them in the “fun” part of what you want to do. Let them understand you want to be with them, do things with them and talk with them. Include them in the positive side of things.

It is valid to give your partner feedback when it is appropriate. But we must decide when a statement is feedback and when a statement is using the third person narrative to create guilt in the partner for something we feel is missing. “YOU…, YOU… YOU…” can easily just feel like a never-ending stream of complaints. This drives a partner away” – it does not bring them closer. It has the opposite effect from what we imagine it would. It always works better when you start the sentence with “I”: “I want to feel appreciated.” “I want us to spend time together”. “ I want you to hold me close”. This helps you understand your feelings better and help your partner to understand you. No more guessing game!

Getting your partner to do what you want them to do is not about manipulation. It is about practicing “Responsible Language”. It is also about understanding what is important to them and relating this in an effective way to what is important to you. It has to do with the hierarchy of their values and how they communicate love.

Be on the lookout for more about Values and Love languages, HERE! SOON!

February 24, 2022March 23, 2022

Determine your next move with the Demartini Method?

Are you stuck? Determine your next move! Get out of the maze in your head! Use the Demartini Method to bring you clarity and certainty!

Who is Dr Demartini?

Dr. John Demartini created the Demartini Method. He is a philosopher, human behaviourist and scientist who studied human behaviour for over thirty years. During his studies he delved into all the great philosophies and ancient wisdom in the world. There is therefore nothing “new” in what Dr Demartini teaches. The way in which Dr Demartini put all he has learnt together to allow one to solve almost any relationship problem one might ever face. This makes the Demartini method a one-of-a kind- tool for relationship rescue!

What does the Demartini Method achieve?

The Demartini Method can dissolve any physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, vocational or relationship problem one can have. This is best done with the assistance of a trained Demartini method facilitator. Reduce the stress associated with a specific problem. It helps clarify perspectives and past indifferences. It fosters a process of forgiveness and acceptance. This enables a person to see a whole new reality pertaining to the problem. They transform past traumas! They bring about a state of gratitude for themselves! All of this is possible by patiently, but thoroughly, answering a predetermined set of questions, developed to take you on a journey from perceived injustice to definiteness of purpose.

The Demartini method allows a person to go on with the rest of their lives, without having the past run or ruin their future. They leave empowered, rather than victimised, and are no longer attached or ensnared by the pains and injustices of the past.

What can The Demartini Method do for me?

Are you haunted by a relationship with another person (be it a spouse, sibling, a parent, a colleague) that does not work? Does a misfitted relationship towards your career, your finances, your life purpose haunt you? Do you just drift, not knowing why you are here or what you are supposed to do? Then spending some time looking at your “problems” will be beneficial to you! however, it does not take too long and you do not have to come back for follow-ups for months afterwards. Do it for yourself! Now! Once and for all! Address you infatuations, your resentments, your addictions, your nightmares, your fantasies! The results are everlasting yet depend on your willingness to do the work. Give yourself a chance!

Dr Elize Ellis had been working with the Demartini Method for ten years.

February 8, 2022March 23, 2022

Five love languages, explained

Some people know this and some people do not. There are five ways of how people express love. Understanding the five love languages makes one’s relationship so much more effective, not to mention more fun and rewarding.

The five love languages explained:

Love language 1: Words of affirmation

One of the five love languages is to express love emotionally. This means using words that build up. We all know the saying “The tongue has the power of life and death” and “the tongue is mightier that a sword”. Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

“You look sharp in that suit.”

“Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!”

“I really like how you’re always on time to pick me up at work.”

“You can always make me laugh.”

Words of affirmation are one of the five basic love languages. Within that language, however, there are many dialects. All of the dialects have in common the use of words to affirm one’s spouse. It is widely accepted that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals, but not all of them!

Love language 2: Quality time

Some prefer quality time. By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention — not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking.

Time is a precious commodity. We all have multiple demands on our time, yet each of us has the exact same hours in a day. We can make the most of those hours by committing some of them to our spouse. If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, she simply wants you, being with her, spending time. I am one of those….

Love Language 3: Receiving gifts

Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.

But what of the person who says, “I’m not a gift giver. I didn’t receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn’t come naturally for me.” Congratulations!, You have just made the first discovery in becoming a great lover. You and your spouse speak different love languages. Now that you have made that discovery, get on with the business of learning your second language. If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn.

Love language 4: Acts of service

Michelle’s primary love language was what I call “acts of service.” By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.

Consider actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby’s diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the car in operating condition — they are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse. If your spouse’s love language is acts of service, then “actions speak louder than words.”

Love language 5: Physical touch

The last one of the five love languages, but definitely not the least, is physical touch. We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals being touched is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

Implicit love touches require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a “touching family.” Sitting close to each other as you watch your favourite television program requires no additional time but may communicate your love loudly. Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.

Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination on ways to express love.

Where to learn more about the five love languages

When you understand the “language” your spouse or partner speaks when it comes to love, and when you know, in addition to that, what is important to them and how to get your ideas across to them so that they feel loved and appreciated, you are set up for a wonderful relationship!

The HeartCore Transformation Specialists are hosting a fun-filled, informal but deeply insightful workshop called Relationship Revamp! Fix is, make it better, change it, make it magic!

Information in this article courtesy of Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages”

January 31, 2017January 31, 2017

Get your relationship working again

It is the month of love…. It is the month to get your relationship working again!!

We have to ask:

Why do so many relationships fail?. Where has the romance gone? Many clever people examined the reasons why relationship fail. They looked at factors like negative emotions and bad communication. But it turns out that not failing is not the same as succeeding when it comes to relationships. Couples who experience a lot of negative interactions are more likely to separate in the first few years of marriage, but couples who don’t experience a lot of positive affect are likely to divorce farther down the road.

So how do you get your relationship working again?

There are FIVE simple things you can do:

Laugh and play together. Play isn’t just for kids. Playfully teasing your partner can bring you closer together. The key word here, however is, “playfully”. If not, the teasing will be counter productive. Couples who laugh often are happier in their relationships. One can also use humour and laughter to help work through a conflict situation. Just make sure that you use humour and laughter to assist and lighten the atmosphere without letting your partner feel ridiculed. Pick a comedy the next time you’re choosing a movie for date night. Give each other playful nicknames. Contrary to general belief, making time to just play puts a naughty twinkle in the eye. It does wonders to get your relationship working again

Try new things together. When you try new activities with your partner, make sure that the activities are novel and exciting. The novelty helps you and your partner create new memories and feel like a team as you try something new. All the excitement of doing something new will make you feel like your relationship is more exciting. Doing new things together help prevent boredom. It brings you closer to your partner. Excitement and variety makes you happier with your relationship, and more satisfied with life in general.

Doing new things does not have to be extreme like white water rafting or abseiling. Be sure to decide and agree on what you will try. I am scared of heights. If my partner forces me to go abseiling with him, it will do more damage to our relationship than good. It also does not have do be something expensive. Try new food. Be tourists in your own city for the day.

Develop gratitude. We all agree that it is important to do special things for your partner sometimes. It is also important to notice and acknowledge when your partner does special things for you. A little “thanks you” can go a long way. When people feel grateful to their partners, both partners end up feeling more connected with each other and more satisfied with the relationship. It’s also important to be grateful for who your partner is as a person. Develop a sense of gratitude for the character traits that make your partner who she is. When you find yourself being irritated instead of happy, imagine what your life would be like if you’d never met your partner. Imagine how you’d feel if something bad happened to them. I know this sounds a bit morbid, but it works!.

Celebrate triumphs. Supporting your partner through tough times is vital. And yes! You guessed it…it is just as important to be supportive when things go right. Couples who celebrate each other’s achievements and triumphs are more satisfied with their relationships. They experience fewer conflicts, have more fun together, and are happier in general. So the next time your partner gets a promotion, meets a new exercise goal, or just has a really great day, make sure to celebrate with them. That will get your relationship working again.. in no time at all!

However, it is not always moonshine and roses. Sometimes we can do everything in our power to try and make our relationship happier but it goes nowhere! Then you need to do the most important thing for your relationship. Such a time is where you have to delve deep and be brave. Sometimes you need to take some time out to take tally of what you have in each other and in the relationship! We occasionally forget why we are together in the first place. At such times we must come to a place where we can again appreciate and value ourselves, our partners and our relationship.

This is when you decide to be serious and get your relationship working again! Decide to

laugh and play together while remembering what brought you together in the first place;
Try new things together like going on a weekend couples retreat;
Take time to “see” each other and be grateful for each other;
Celebrate the triumphs of reconnecting with each other on a deeper level.

ACT NOW! Get your relationship working again!

Get your relationship working again! Learn more about the HeartCore Couples Workshop and the wonderful VALENTINES SPECIAL that goes with it. Please fill in your details in the sidebar under “Yes! Tell me more about the HeartCore Couples Workshop” I will let you have the whole bang shoot of what this retreat entails as well as the amazing discount you can make use of.